worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
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I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
this is an emotional support booty call
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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