3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It's never too late to be topless.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
