You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
