for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
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i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
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YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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