I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
