allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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