my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Randomize
