Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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