i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
