Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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