my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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