I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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