It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
