We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
