Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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