Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
