what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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