I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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