Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
