The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
