I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
