you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
