would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
