having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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