Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
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We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
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I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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