mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
