You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
