Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
