thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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