I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
