Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Randomize
