I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
