It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
