But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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