i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
