The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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