I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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