In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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