you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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