my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
