I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
