Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
