Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
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