I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
