i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
