6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
