My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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