Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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