you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
