I faked an abortion last night.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Randomize
