Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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