i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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