And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
