I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
