Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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