Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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