i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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