i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
