Even water is tasting like jack daniels
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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