Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
